"Late Have I Loved Thee"

Tonight I have been taught by God in song and in testimony. By Gungor, Dave Kraft (Leaders Who Last) and by St. Augustine (“Late Have I Loved Thee”).

This quote, taken from St. Augustine is really impressing upon my heart. Amazing too that I have been reading through City of God by St. Augustine  (yes, very oddly difficult to read, but good!), and this prayer of Augustine’s (from the 4th century) stands out to me tonight (in his “Confessions” books) through a song by Gungor

To be honest, there is much I would love to share, but most importantly… God is showing me now, especially being with my church family, that there can be much to know (most of what my life has consisted of) and there can be much to love (most of what God is doing inside me), solely HIM!

Right now I am reading through Leaders Who Last by Dave Kraft and realizing that all of life comes out of a power, not of my own but of Christ. And that power only comes out of a love relationship with Jesus. No transactions, no merits, no duties. Rather a lovely DELIGHT (Ps 119:16) in God and His Word. Do I love my Savior, or do I so often just know much about Him?

I guess what God is asking me tonight is, “Do you love me Paul?” I am 29, and Augustine’s confession came at his age of 33, he had loved Jesus in his later years after his “enthusiasm over created things” had passed. But oh, what a testimony this man became in the Roman world at that time. And I ask myself… is this what God is doing in me? Have I been enthusiastic over many created things, and not over my Creator? Yes, I can lose sight of the prize!

O, God. Late maybe it is when I have come to love you (late in my estimation), but to know Your love is to know LIFE! To know a lot about You yet not delight in who You are, change this in me O God! One day at a time God… that I might delight in You.

Psalm 119:16 "I will delight in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word."

Learning in the Planting

Heat Almost Always Reveals the Truth. I have been told an illustration many times before, but its truth has become more clear to me through this church planting process I have been in. A sponge does a very good job at soaking up and hiding its contents inside. Its only when the sponge gets squeezed that the contents within come gushing out. God, in His grace, has used this new church planting season, a season of being “squeezed,” to show me what comes gushing out of my own heart. And as I look at where I have been, I will be ever grateful and thankful that the fire and heat God brought brings truth to light and my dross to the surface!

If Humble Dependence Dies, So Does the Church. I can still remember the day I was told of this new church planting opportunity and realizing I needed to get on my knees. One, because I knew there would be important decisions being made by many in the following weeks and months, and two, because I knew I shouldn’t join this endeavor unless it was God moving me. I still want to be in that place of dependance as one of the many who serves in this new church plant. Unless God builds His church, the laborers work in vain. If God isn’t in every step of a new church plant then there is no lasting hope.


Missions is Every Believers Calling. I haven’t really understood this reality until being called out of comfort into a city filled with sin, sinners (including me) and a field white unto harvest. God hasn’t called me to a different country, but He has called me to be a missionary. A missionary right where I live. He calls us all to that same mission, His mission! You shall be my witnesses, in your home town, the surrounding towns, the surrounding regions and states and countries, and to the farthest reaches of this world! The Gospel is for all peoples, all nations, including my neighbors in my apartment.

He is my Great Shepherd. As I move forward, I am thankful for this season. Is it easy, no. Is it rewarding, YES. I have come to see my God, who He is and what He provides and has provided, in ways I wouldn't have had I not entered this season. Of course, the Lord is leading me as my Great Shepherd, and even though I walk through the valleys, I walk through. I am not overtaken by them, for the Lord is my Shepherd! He prepares a table for me, in the presence of my enemies. My cup overflows! I am excited for His future leading! Even though it won't be easy, in His presence there is Fullness of Joy! At His right hand are pleasures forevermore!

2010: A Year in Review (Sorta)

I will say that 2010 has been a year that God has defined, even when at each turn (sometimes at every step) I thought I had everything planned out. Praise God I'm not that BIG and He chooses to humble me, and then build me back up!

Big take-aways:

God knows what He is doing even when I think everything is going awry. From stepping out of ministries at West Seattle into the city of Seattle with many unknowns, from accepting a job starting at 12 hr. overnight shifts, from moving into a studio within the heart of Seattle city culture, from changing my job location about 4 times within that time frame, from basically living in many unknowns, and honestly being stubborn and rebellious through some of that, God keeps reminding me that the "chaos" I think is happening is actually just me trying to be God and God constantly reminding me (through brokenness and humbling) that HE is weaving this tapestry of my life, for my best and for His exaltation.

Run to community during sins, trials, difficulties, un-repentance. My gut reaction many times in 2010 was to isolate or not want to attend Sunday’s gatherings or Men’s meetings, or any time with community for the sheer reason that it’s “easier” to live in isolation and not let anyone else in on what’s going on in my life. But of course, that path continuously left me dry, unsatisfied, and deathly. I found that the community of God is oh SO important in the life of the believer! I learn so much through community, and learn where I’m un-repentant! I see my weaknesses SO MUCH MORE when I’m with others (I think that’s part of the plan) and it leads me to rejoice in Jesus and the Gospel (the one who has done it all for me and has no weaknesses) rather than become despondent because I am “weak.” 2 Cor. 12 continues to preach at me… I would rather boast in my weaknesses that the power of Christ may be seen in me.

Isaiah 55:1. Only one thing is going to satisfy me – eating from the Word of God. Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; he who has no money (that’s ME) - come, buy and eat! Come buy wine and milk without money and without price. This message of the Gospel to me (through the language of eating) has been on my mind continuously since early 2010, yet I am in daily need of reminder. Nothing this world can offer, movies, books, knowledge, worldly wisdom, friends, family, job, car, pleasure, money, and more is going to satisfy me. Where has that left me time and time again? Realizing that what I’ve really been starving for all along has been the “full stomach” that comes from feasting in the Bible. God continue to grow this hunger!

The church is always the people (you don’t have a local church without it). Time and time again God has continued to bring me to repentance over the desire to see position, status, programs as the ultimate goal in church ministry. Yet, there is no JOY found in positions and programs being the ultimate for me. I keep looking to Jesus and seeing that He invested in people. That’s it! It was about living life with people. Where has my mind been in many ways? Not on this, not on that great commission that Jesus gave to me. Praise God I know I am with a church that loves the city (the people) they have been placed in, and I am reminded by others' testimonies of how God keeps allowing us all many opportunities to be in conversations with people, His greatest creations.

From generalities to specifics, from the theoretical to today. God has recently been reminding me to think about the specifics of what He has done in my life since coming up here to Seattle. I could see it from a 30,000 ft. in the air point-of-view (which is good for me to do as well), but thankfulness wells up in my heart when I’m reminded of the very smallest of details in which the grace of God keeps showing up, even in the most mundane of things (and when I least expect it). And I am ever appreciative of the men around me that keep reminding me that the Word of God is for me today. There are a lot of truth principles for me to pull from the Word, but how is God’s truth bringing me fresh joy and vitality and satisfaction for today, the here and now. So thank you God for those around me that have kept reminding me of this.

It’s all about Jesus. This may seem like a cliché or “to-often-used” phrase, but God keeps putting this to the forefront in my living and in my witness to others. From the failures of looking to be satisfied in other things and the idolatry that shows in my heart, God has made this truth plainly evident to me this year! All I have to boast about is Jesus, all that will last is Jesus, the only thing that satisfies and brings fulfillment is Jesus. The one thing I have to boast about in my witness to co-workers, friends, family, and community is Jesus. This is the one thing that is different from all other things in this world, the one thing that brings me salvation, hope, joy amidst tears, strength during my weaknesses, and everything else: Jesus!